Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wear drunk well.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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