i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
