made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
