you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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