Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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