dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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