you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
