You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
