Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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