This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
this just has baby written all over it
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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