drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
