note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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