My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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