My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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