i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
