I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
