I haven't been this sober since birth.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
