I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
