my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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