how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
