so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
