Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
