hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
