I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
