if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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