Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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