so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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