life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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