theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
