he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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