I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
