Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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