Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
