I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
