after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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