Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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