The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
