everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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