I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
