I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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