3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
