Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
