then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
