the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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