high people should be assigned attendants
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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