her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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