the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
