I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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