I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
