I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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