That's intense
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
