making cat noises will not fix the situation.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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