Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
