Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
