I got chris browned last night
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize