Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
