I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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