I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize